That Being The Perfect Dad Isn’t That Easy After All

I grew up with a father that wasn’t all too easy to be around. Invariably he just seemed so terribly angry all the time and it always gave me the sense of unease, not knowing if, or more likely, when he would blow up.

He was a very successful businessman, but his private affairs were less than successful as perhaps his number of marriages will indicate.

7.

That’s right he was married 7 times. Although I do not believe he actually fully knew or comprehended when he got married the 7th and last time just a few days before he died (a long story for some other time).

My father for sure was a very passionate man. Passionate for his businesses for sure. But also passionate for his private life (lives) I’m sure too. In fact I believe the high levels of passion were part the reason he would be so temperamental and difficult to be around.

Of course the booze made it no easier nor better. As with probably most substances, it just makes things even worse and more disproportionate. So outbursts and temper losses became probably exacerbated and multiplied to higher and worse levels.

I know for sure, he loved us all very much. I also believe this actually contributed to all effects also being magnified, including the negative effects.

He just didn’t know how to curb it all and manage it all.

But it’s easy to point fingers. And now today as I’m a dad myself of two little ones (a girl of 3 and a boy of 5), I have come to the realization that being a perfect dad is by no means an easy task. I realize some of the same difficulties and challenges as those I saw my father deal with, I myself must deal with.

Worst part is… I find myself failing at them more often than I care to review or look in the eyes.

Today, it’s Father’s Day here in the United States and it has made me think back on my years with my late father. Of the struggles that we had in our relationship over the years. Of the pain and the fear that was instilled in me.

Today, as during many of the other days these past many months, I spent pretty much my entire day alone with my little ones.

While wonderful and while I love them more than I suspect anybody will ever really realize or comprehend, I also find myself at times at wits end and all too often find myself with little (if any) strength left and any patience left, I must deal with kids being kids.

Today, I understand that the burden and challenges of all the other matters one has to deal with affects the interactions and mental presence one enters into with the loved ones. Although it would be nice to be able to separate the two, it seems almost impossible.

Today, I understand what the lack of great communication and/or the lack of great relation and understanding between the spouses, can do for matters pertaining all other things in your life. I understand now, how these aspects all play a part in how you show up – even if you try with the best of intentions to do your utmost and best.

Today, I understand better, how it can seem and feel as if there’s not gratefulness from those who should be grateful for what you have done and delivered, even if you are now failing at delivering or performing at the levels you want to or have been used to.

Today, I understand that when you are down and out, struggling with your deep life crisis, how, just a little understanding will go a long way. Rather than nasty and spiteful resentments and petty comments that only fuel a worsening or relations and everything else that springs from these.

Today, I understand the huge lack and loss, when your spouse don’t show up standing by your side, caressing you and supporting you when you need it the most. Today, I understand the ripple effects caused by even the smallest of things, of words said and of words not said.

Today, I understand my father so much more than I ever did. Today, I forgive him for more things and more hurt than I have ever done.

Today, I hope my children will do the same for me.

My beautiful children. I love you more than you will ever really know or understand. Please forgive me for my shortcomings. Forgive me for my bad temper and loss of patience. Forgive me for my weaknesses and failures.

Happy Father’s Day Dad. Happy Father’s Day to All Dads.

(Image: My father and mother, my sister and I)

P.S. That’s probably a glass of whiskey my father is sitting with in the image above.